Breastfeeding 365

Category: barriers to breastfeeding

  • Who is your daddy?

    Who is your daddy?

    Where is your daddy? Did you leave him? Did he leave you? What happened?

    Today is my dad’s birthday. 

    The first man in my life, the Leo Lion impressing and forming and shaping me providing the seed for my mother’s womb.  I am indeed the Prodigal Daughter and I think of him often and how lucky I was to have him in my life.

    Given the options and possibilities of what it meant to be a black man, a father and a husband and a son, our lives together was remarkable and affected me and shaped the mother I am today. My journey with him and without him deeply influenced the development of my family.  who I looked for as a husband and a father.

    I am also still getting to know him. He died in 1982. He was born the same year, my grandmother’s father disappeared from her life in 1916. He shows more of himself to me as I get older and indeed especially on his birthday. Not coming to me as often as my mother to visit, but coming nevertheless and asking me to search and take a closer look and to honor him.  He watches over us. Our sons and our daughters… He asks me to wonder what makes us leave, what makes us stay and what might have happened when we could not be together.

      This is the first season that I recognize this date on the calendar in cycles redolent of the moon and the sun. As I circle back to the season of his birth, the brilliant summer sun, moon, and stars occur during the opening portal of the Lions gate. 

     I get to look at my father the Leo Lion and my mother the Taurus Bull and see what sparked the connection:seeds sown and planted.  I also get to look at the lines and lineage of being HIS daughter and HIS line and things about his father and his father and see the touchpoints of the patriarchy and seek balance and understanding and compassion for things that I don’t fully understand and could never know because I wasn’t there, and he didn’t tell me.  

    I can tell you though that this celebration of his birth asks me to consider different questions and to ask of other women, the daughters of their fathers and the mothers of sons to be willing to take a look at what our part is, what we have created.  

     If I share this post on my space for honoring the maternal experience of breastfeeding, I may tend to focus more on the maternal relationship that is in right relationship for the restoration of healing for the mother with her own father. 

    If I place it elsewhere, may I allow myself a wider berth to play with connections and just acknowledge the list of what comes up for me and how might I understand both him and  me /myself better and not worry so much about the audience.

    I continue to be disturbed about the violence and intense control directed at women, directed at children, directed at men. Managing hard emotions, without addressing conflict within families prevents healing. This pain and loss is always an invitation to the open heart. Faith can replace Fear. Loving with an open heart is our solution. Searching for our fathers is part of our journey.

    In search of our mothers’ gardens… do we settle for God the father, a heavenly father LORD of the manor to substitute for the man we do not know or worst for the man we think we know and who hurt us and who we have not forgiven. Nor can we forgive ourselves for wanting more.

    This morning I felt my father move in closer, or it was perhaps I that listened in and looked for him more closely and found him everywhere. It felt like his birth signaled me to see things that I hadn’t noticed before in my immediate surroundings simply because it was his birthday.

    This morning I picked up an old journal/scrapbook that I thought was full and hadn’t looked at or for in a long while. I opened the page to jot something down and the last entry was curiously dated April 11, 2015 the date I had left California driving East with my dog Snow.

    I had a new fast car The Fiat 500C 2014 and the heading was the Prodigal Daughter returns. Citing scripture and the issues that called me home… my return to the East Coast and to my Daughter, and grandchildren. I also was challenged by the thought I was returning home and felt my parents calling I had no idea what I might uncover on my return and what I might be willing to expose myself to….

    I also was forewarned that my grandchildren were calling and that I was stepping in to being an Elder and that I would indeed think I was traveling alone but I would not at any point be alone. I would be surrounded by angels, and ancestors and I would be part of an ancient migration. 

     I was curious, frightened, in awe of what I might find, but there was no turning back.   For the drive, I would not allow myself much of a glance in the rear view mirror.  Now did my dad show me that revelation early this morning. Talking in deep conversation to dead people is not something I would admit to, but he offered me an openness today for whatever reason.  

    I listened to a meditation offered by an indigenous person from Hawaii; how our path may have crossed is another story for another time, but I had never been to Hawaii and have had no desire to go but I recalled that my father had and my brother when I was newly married with a nursing baby.  I was not invited for the family trip, and I remember feeling excluded because I now had a husband and a baby boy and was no longer my father’s child. I belonged to another man.  My brother initially said he had never gone to Hawaii; then changed his story. 

    My father, JoAnne, my sister, and my dad’s girlfriend Suzanne all went together. My brother said he did not remember, and it had been a long time ago. He said he remembered little about the trip being unimportant to him. They stayed in a big hotel and that it was an Omega trip (my dad’s fraternity) and I remember them saying they didn’t like the poi, the food was disappointing, but the islands were incredibly beautiful. The conversation was quickly over, I was curious and had more questions, but we were done.  I pushed further did he want to be a Q after the trip had they extended an invitation, maybe that was the purpose of the trip.  He laughed and said he was queer and not a Q and that was the end of it. No more questions. I was probing and pressuring and received all he had.

     I realized the story for me was not my brother’s story, it was mine and it was for me and my dad and revisiting the Prodigal Daughter’s return.

    I went back to the last April 11, 2015 entry and re-read the scripture today August 5th 2023 as a part of the celebration ofmy father’s birth. Hawaii and the meditation of balance between feminine and masculine and my father and my mother and what it meant to me to be the Elder in the room. I was no longer included.  It was not my trip, another way I could cut the cord and forgive and let go of what I no longer needed and pass the baton.

    Luke 15. 30.  24

    I am going where I have never been before!

    How do I prepare for the journey home?

    Your baby is not your daddy, neither is your baby’s father.

    What might your daddy think about you nursing your little one for 365 days?

    How do you feel about that?

    Things To Do

    Things To Pack

    People To See

    Waiting ON

    What did the son do that made him leave? 

    What makes you return home? Home free to your heart!

    Running Away vs. GOING TO something you desire.

    My father was born on August 5, 1916 in Harlem in New York, New York; the second son of Julia and Jonathan. Born at home on 113th street likely with midwives who I came to know and likely came to be my teachers. I know my father well because he spent time with me and because I was the second daughter of the second wife and because I was the first daughter and I think he saw in me something that was growing in himself at the same time and because of his relationship with me as his daughter. 

    Who is your daddy?  

    Where is your daddy? 

    What did your daddy do?

    As you ask those questions for yourself. 

    The door widens on where to go next… and who you are. Not everyone wants to know who their father is and whether they have a “right” to know or whether they might benefit from knowing is another story.

    If not knowing the “answers” to those questions or if even having those questions may be in fact an issue for you is quite intriguing.

    YOUR daddy may not be your biological father?

    There were several things that came for me to do for my father’s birthday

    Collect the photos of my dad.

    What lessons had he taught me about gender, about love, about being a father; about relationships; about himself?

    How did he parent me differently than his other two children my siblings

    Were there other children, other siblings that I didn’t know about.

    Who stood in the gap when my father was not there?

    When did I first miss him?

    How did he treat my mother, mistreat her, value her love her did he love me in ways that made me choose him over my mother?

     Did I betray my mother by loving him…

     I am reading a wonderful book of reflections about daughters and their fathers.

    Happiest of Birthdays …. and Thank you for coming home!

  • What do you do that makes you feel better?

    I am rarely struck to silence, or even given to pause before answering a direct question.  Sometimes I suppose it depends on who is doing the asking. But when my daughter with three children ages 21, 17, and 9 asked me that question after a challenging day (hers not mine). I was dumbstruck and hesitant and should have had the good sense to just text back; “let me get back to you on that one “. Legitimately she was in the pits and couldn’t snap out of it!

    I am very lucky in that I feel good most of the time. Good, better, best, I am at a good starting point. Of course life happens and many things are out of my control, but I don’t have bouts of feeling bad or in search of doing or needing something to make me feel better as a general rule.   I know there is not necessarily a magic pill, or an antidote for a bad day or yet even a series of bad events clearly one right after the other mounting up when you are already past your limit. I am an optimist; glass half-full kinda gal. My optimism annoys my daughter. It is especially annoying when she is feeling bad, overwhelmed and not well.  She depends on me for framing the issue in a different way or the gentle reminder that I find myself saying more often as I get older “that this too will pass” . I thought this bit of encouragement was coined by my mother until I later learned this maxim was somewhat attributed to bible verses allowing for anyone who calls on the name of the Lord to expect that they will be saved.  So while we are yelling in the moment, be assured and encouraged, HELP is on the way.

    While we don’t understand why bad things happen to us and why we feel sad and overwhelmed and not up to the task however small; it is in fact a temporary condition that invites us to be more loving, kinder, gentler with ourselves and others. The condition we are facing will pass. It won’t last all ways. We will be drawn closer to a loving presence where we won’t feel ashamed, and not good enough.

    In 12 step program fellowships when you struggle with an addiction; they ask you to just stop for a moment and use the acronym HALT!  Ask yourself, are you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? This could be a trigger for searching for a way to do something to make you feel better.  What you select as the remedy may seem to work for the short term, but it does not truly address what is bothering you.  You can barely care for yourself and yet you are expected to supply someone else with their most basic needs for survival 24 hours a day seven days a week. How might that even be possible?

    When I want to feel better almost instantly; I pray!  It works every time.  Even when I didn’t know it was working. Just being myself was truly enough.  I have a conversation with the Love that I know to be true in God’s presence.   If I am feeling awful, I know it is often because I believe something that I also know is not true.  There is a bit of information that I need that I am missing or help in this situation to see the reality more clearly. I don’t try to talk myself out of it, I just lovingly accept for that moment, that is how I feel, and it is the very best I can do.  It is in that moment of deep surrender that I feel the love well up around me and something shifts.  Indulging in that space of unconditional love is what many mothers do so readily for their little ones.  It is a gift we can learn to give ourselves.

    At times, it may be sitting down with a cup of tea, allowing myself a bit of grace where I am not being graded or evaluated by anyone. There is joy in what we do and who we are. I am grateful to have friends I can call on that I don’t have to explain everything. It just is and hearing their voice encourages me and makes me feel better.

    Tell your story, what may have worked before having a child may look very different now. I would love to hear what you do when you want to feel better. What brings you Joy?

  • Breastfeeding 365


    Do you know one woman who breastfed her baby for one year? 365 days nonstop: her tittie in her babe’s mouth, nursing her little one for one year?  Could you call her on the phone? Text her? Read her journal?  Does she have a blog?  Is she in your family? Your sister, your own mother, mom, your cousin, your grandmother? 

    Has someone actually ever done this before? Can she tell you how it feels?  Are you the only one on the planet that wants this and needs this time with your baby? What is it really like to have someone sucking on you every day, and every night?

    You are so desperately needed by your baby as the primary if not the only source of nutrition.  What if your need to nurse your baby was just as great for your own health and well-being for making that gentle transition after the birth of your baby.  

    We are mammals!  We provide a live birth with warm milk! We shift that fundamental foundational relationship when we substantially change and share the nature of our connection to our baby. We move from the private and hidden space of being  physically attached throughout the gestational period by the placenta.  In an instant the cord is cut and the continuous connection moves to seeing, sharing, feeling, tasting and nursing at our breast.  We enter the public space.  It’s just not calories in and calories in!  There is a compelling need for nourishment, comfort; nurturing; and soothing for emotional growth and development that takes place for both the mother and baby as a couple! 

      What did you get out of nursing your baby for one year? If you haven’t done it yet: what might you get out of keeping close to your baby and nursing your little one for at least 365 days after you have given birth. What would be the perfect 24 hour day with you and your baby?  Everyone seems to agree most days that mother’s milk is good for babies; but what is the supreme benefit for you as the mother to give your baby your milk from your breast? Is it good enough to simply supply the milk by any means necessary and be done with it?

    How do you grow as a woman when you make the choice to become a mother? You are many things, but for that one year, just 365 days: being a nursing mother takes priority. You do what no one else can!  What other things must you balance to make sure that you both survive and flourish as a mother for that first year of your baby’s life?  

    Some people feel we learn to love at the breast. How does this notion  feel to be your baby’s first lover? How does it feel to have your baby show loving and longing for you? It is so not a one way street.  It is a powerful symbiotic relationship that begins at the moment of conception and ends 365 days after giving birth. Can you allow yourself the gift of 365 days of breastfeeding your baby?

    Please share your story.  Did you nurse your baby for 365 days in a row? What was your experience like?  When you didn’t get to nurse your baby just when you wanted to, how did that feel? Might you try to nurse your baby for just one year as an extension of your pregnancy?  It’s just 365 days!  If you had a few questions, who might you ask?  Would it help if you had some help; just a bit of support, someone to call, someone who knew what to say to give you some encouragement? We are here for you!