Have you ever been so very angry and frustrated with someone that you just stopped speaking to them? It’s one thing if you never have to see them or interact with them on a daily or hourly basis, but what if you are depending on them. What if it is your lover the person you want most to please and be loved by and they hold you at bay with silence. As a nursing mother; I felt at once both my most vulnerable and my most powerful! Now he has the audacity not to speak to me when I was literally the life line to his child. What a bold audacious and stupid move! I would not hurt the baby, but I also had to sit with not hurting him for keeping a wall of silence between us.
I thought (or hoped) my milk would of course literally stop flowing and of course the opposite happened. I nearly drowned the little one with the most milk ever…enough for two babies, sticky sweet milk spraying on the floor, on the bed, just everywhere. It was like a loose garden hose; with the baby giggling as it was so hard to latch on… It was one of those times the little one learned to actually stop the flow of milk by pressing his hand on the nipple or just watching it squirt out into the air with such delight…How could I have so much milk when I was crying with red hot fierce angry energy yet totally frozen out of the love loop?
Have you ever had an argument with someone; they made their point, you weren’t really listening and you made your point and they weren’t really listening and some mythical angel whispered in your ear and told you that there was no communication because they weren’t really talking to you or about you.
You were just the closest at hand and so the speech was delivered to you. It was maybe about work, or the light bill, or someone left the water running. Maybe that speech was for someone else long ago in their past. It may have also been about a worry on their mind that they could for no reason clear at that time could they justify or resolve the issue by sharing it with you. I heard in the lyrics of a new age forgiveness song that someone else may have been the one to cut you, but you were the one that made me bleed. Yikes, I hate when I do that.
Silence can be golden at the time generally because it buys you time. It gives you a break and in that moment of pause of grace, perhaps when you are not blinded by injury and rage you can see or hear another voice and perspective. Wait it out, be willing to listen for signs of life. You truly have the power to heal and sustain life. Go to a quiet place. Nurse your baby and search and hold the love forever or as long as you can. Kiss and make up at your first opening when the coast is finally clear. Love was there all along.
We all know that a silence can go on too long. Irreparable harm is done and it is the hallmark of the beginning of the end. More often than not though, it is just a test of stamina and commitment and a made-up mind to stay… to hold on and to let the storm that was really not meant to harm you to pass.
Some mothers on the prickly fence about nursing their babies already wracked with fatigue use that moment of disconnect and anger to thrust the baby to the father or to anyone else’s arms and demand that they do “it” instead …since absolutely no one understands who you are and how you feel and there is nothing left to give. Bone dry, no more milk, no more love!
Please tell us your story of what it felt like not to be spoken to or heard. There are those times when all you wanted to do was talk it out, have him listen and comfort you even if he did not understand. You would give anything to have him speak a word of recognition, hope and encouragement! Remind you that all is well, or that it would be OK! …Touch me even if you can’t speak to me and have the anger go away.
Maybe you recall what it was like for you to not speak to someone you once loved and trusted who then betrayed you. What was that like? My favorite memory is of times I thought someone or even the baby was mad at me for something I did or said and then later learned it had nothing to do with me at all.