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Several years ago, in early 2012, I wrote a book called “Little Black Breastfeeding Book”.  The book was conceived as a letter to my daughter in honor of my mother. Somehow, some way I was called to honor and listen to the voices of women who wanted to mother their children in a very specific way.

My goal then and now is to be a supportive voice for women who want to breastfeed their children. I am listening.  As a woman, as a mother, as a daughter, and a grandmother and a midwife, I am listening. The book was designed in three parts. The first was a series of five questions that I knew as a mom and a midwife were very important in determining how women really felt about nursing their babies. I was so curious to hear what women thought and felt.

Part 2 was my attempt at least at that point in time to carefully answer those five questions for myself. I was surprised as to how hard it was to put those experiences and feelings in to words.  Part 3 was the section where I was able to share what I learned from sitting still and listening to women. Somehow, some way, someone actually thought we could promote breastfeeding and health on the planet without listening and honoring the women who would mother our children. We were an essential part of the earth. As a healer and a writer, I was fascinated with the answers and the women who were talking and learning and sharing and so successfully navigating their worlds at work, in the home and with their families.

I first thought my audience was all the new mothers out there and pregnant women who may be contemplating nursing their children for any length of time. Now I realize that my task was to reach a much broader audience by honoring and sharing the legions of women who have successfully nursed their babies for generations with little fanfare or support. They represented our true success stories! Who thrived, who flourished and who would easily be able to support women who grew as mothers through their connection with their children. In nature, the separation of mother and baby mammals means certain death. We learn to breastfeed at the breast. We now ask questions of people who have never successfully nursed a child for at least one year. We must not lose these stories and the treasures that are often unspoken and secret.

We can create a forum together that allows and encourages women to discuss the maternal experience and benefits of nursing our children! 

So often we are not listened to, treated like milk machines or the needs of our children are seen as separate and apart from the needs of their parents. Women especially their mothers are inconsequential or denigrated as temporary holding tanks. So often we suffer in silence or unaware that another woman has successfully navigated this space and feels like we do.  While we listen and hope for experts to research and save us; dare we not lose our ability to save ourselves with careful attention to our own ability to heal and do what’s best.

So… another question, and know I am really listening not just because I care and I love you, but because we matter, and our very lives depend on it. Who listens to you? Where and how do you know your voice is being heard? What does that look like and how does that help you to enjoy your experience as a nursing mother?

References

https://adams.house.gov/media-center/press-releases/congresswomen-adams-and-underwood-launch-black-maternal-health-caucus?eType=EmailBlastContent&eId=6f6e4402-9d29-41df-b63b-81a17bb710b4

https://blackmamasmatter.org/bmhw/?eType=EmailBlastContent&eId=6f6e4402-9d29-41df-b63b-81a17bb710b4

In my last blog entry, I wrote about my recollection as a nursing mother experiencing pleasure. I was curious about how other mothers felt about their own sexuality during lactation. Frankly, this was an area we chatted little about.  Privacy and confidentiality notwithstanding, this was protected information for those mothers who felt that if anyone knew that the baby was not the only one getting their needs met; there would be a lot of explaining to do.

I had completely forgotten a habit of mine to wear a bra when having sex.  I knew nothing about oxytocin then, but I learned the hard way that if I came, milk squirted all over the place and we both got wet. The baby was nowhere around when the mysterious let-down reflex suddenly became Niagara Falls.  Before I had the good sense to wear my bra and to stuff a few of my best cotton nursing pads under my pillow just in case; we would have to rush for towels to keep the bed and pillows from getting wet. We didn’t make love often, and I certainly didn’t experience the Big O orgasm every time; but when it did occur it was quite magical. We would be smiling and laughing and then giggling and as if on cue that would wake the baby with the smell of warm wasting milk and pillow talk.  That would be the end of our brief alone time together and we would transition back to our other roles, or just the return for all of us to blissful sleep.  So that began the practice of putting on my bra if it looked like we might be moving in that direction of making love should the opportunity arise.

We didn’t speak about this ever, but I do believe that it was pretty weird to know that orgasm and the easy flow of my milk was somehow closely related.  Happy, relaxed joyous and free, feeling secure in the arms of my lover and my baby.  

Please share your story. Did you ever experience a let down reflex or the spontaneous flow of milk while making love? Are you just a “flowy” kind of person? Do you even know if you have G spot? Did you notice a difference in your response patterns in the early postpartum period as opposed to nursing an older baby or a toddler? Were you ever shy about talking about this? Did your husband feel curious or even jealous about your time with the baby… do you feel the intimacy of the mother baby couple?

Nursing your baby is “supposed” to feel really really good.   All the way from pleasantly relaxing to just a tad arousing. There is quite a spectrum. The longer you nurse the more you may note these gradations of sensations and experiences along the spectrum. This is so not just about making milk.

Breastfeeding your baby can be an intensely pleasurable experience designed to make you want to do it often and for there to be tremendous psychic and physical benefits to you, your child, your partner, your family, and the planet. 

 The veritable soup of hormones flooding your body lights up and connects many chemical and neurological receptors. Orgasm, Oxytocin, Prolactin, and Relaxin and the Let Down Reflex are all part of signaling cascading behavioral events that link us as mammals to our unique human experience of sex, childbearing, lactation and enduring positive social relationships.  

How women specifically and mothers in particular experience the impact of the presence of these hormones is not just new ground for research, but new ground for us to give voice to the waves of strong feelings and emotions as we nurse for at least a year after the birth of our babies.

Having someone you love and are attracted to be close to you and to suck on your nipple produces a surge of hormones for both parties especially with the mother-baby couple.  Is it sexual, of course it is!  How you feel about that is mediated with how you feel about all things sexual, physical and sensual and how you experience sensations emanating from your own body as you relate to others. Many of us do not associate sexuality and sensual experiences as pleasurable. The very same oxytocin that allows you to nurse your baby, allows for pleasure and orgasm, uterine contractions, the flow of your milk, as well as all sorts of things related to facial recognition and bonding.

While you are able to have sex, and get pregnant without an orgasm, having an orgasm with sex, especially during conception is so much more fun and strengthens those bonds of family and connection.

Nursing your baby comes from love and promotes love.  Pumping the milk from your breast with a noisy machine while sitting in a break room away from your baby does not promote the same experience as having someone you love and nurture suck on your breast.

 Maybe the first time you even heard of oxytocin was during labor when it was proposed to you as a stimulant given intravenously to induce or speed up contractions.  It made mild or so-called ineffective contractions occur more regularly and to function to move the baby out in a hurry because you were taking too long.  This is an abrupt shift in how we feel and it is definitely painful. Many women struggle to keep up with the stimulants given to speed the labor and birth of the child and forever experience a rush of pitocin, the other name for oxytocin as scary and painful.

There is a an incredibly complex tangle of hormones that we are still just learning about.  Oxytocin is still considered a mystery hormone and we are so unclear of what it does and the deep role it plays in reproduction, digestion, pain, and attachment. When women tell us more about what they experience, we can perhaps link those experiences, feelings and behaviors with the endocrine system as it surges through our bodies.  There is a strong mind-body connection that links love, emotions, stress, and a sense of well-being. While we can so easily see breasts as sexual objects of desire; it makes sense that we quickly reject breastfeeding as potentially unnecessary public displays of affection that promote sexual arousal in ways we find inappropriate, threatening and unacceptable.

While some may want to compare nursing your baby to learning to ride a bike; being scary at first where you learn new skills, fall a lot, and then identify a few things that just need figuring out. It is so much more than a mechanical act of feeding and nutrition. It is hard to put into words an activity that takes practice before you experience ease and mastery. Once you get the hang of it, few things are more exhilarating than riding a bike leisurely down a quiet path or at breakneck speed down a long windy hill; but nursing your baby is different in some important ways about what we learn and experience new things in relationship to others.

Please tell us your story about your experience of pleasure while nursing your baby.

References:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9071349

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3183515/

  I often don’t get enough sleep. I so love sleeping. Babies, old people, and cats love to sleep. I didn’t know how important sleep was for many years.  My mother would tease me as a small child that she promised I wouldn’t miss anything if I just lay down for a minute and take a nap. I thought insomnia, or not being able to go to sleep when I was so very tired was normal! 

I thought that being productive and working was more important and that sleep and napping, and just plain refusing to get dressed and go outside or anywhere were signs of laziness, procrastination and boredom.   The doctor ordered bed rest, but I just couldn’t sleep! I pushed myself to do stuff and “finish stuff” and was just not clear of the toll it took on my body, mind, spirit, and soul.  Sleeping is so good for you and so healing!

I didn’t know how much time I required to be alone, to be sleepy and to sleep and that I required solitude and time alone with my baby. Quiet time was as essential as breathing. The mother baby couple needs to sleep, doze off, sleep, eat some more and sleep…it allows the milk to flow and to build and strengthen relationships.

For many years, much of the work I did as a mom, a nurse-midwife, teacher, counselor and even scheduled shift work as a nurse required long periods of time of broken rest and limited sleep.  It wasn’t till I stopped all of that or got really sick and was forced to sleep for hours and hours and hours unable to do anything else but sleep that I finally got it. I had created a sleep debt that couldn’t be filled.

Now I am the poster child for sleep and anyone who really knows me, especially my grown children know that when I am cranky; whatever ails me can be improved with more sleep or was caused by a lack thereof.

I had developed the habit of avoiding sleep so used to taking the quiet of night and the “excuse” of having to nurse the baby as the only reason for taking time alone with my little one. I am so proud of myself that I have the courage and privilege to SLEEP TILL I AM DONE SLEEPING now. I allow myself to rest and listen, and pray, and drool and not rush all the time somewhere or to do something.  I learned this treasure at the breast with my nursing baby.  I am forever grateful.  How much sleep did you get last night? Was it enough?  

Please tell us your story about sleeping till you’re done sleeping.  What would it take to get enough rest? Do you sleep better with someone or alone? Do you allow yourself the gift of sleeping with your baby…?

I often spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about money.  It is my number one stressor. It can without constant vigilance totally take over my life and block out every other emotion.  Working, earning a living, having my “stuff” to maintain the illusion of a middle-class lifestyle usually means a full-time job and more.  Money will have the final say. Having enough, wanting more, how will we pay for this?  Where will the money come for to buy the things we need and want?  How much stress do you have around money?  How much money would be enough for you to feel at peace to allow you to comfortably be with your baby? How does money flow to you now?  Where does the money go?  How do you feel when you’re in debt, when you owe what you can’t pay, and you don’t feel free to do what you would like to do with your own time and your own money?

If you are already living beyond your means, having a baby is an absolute game changer.  It can make a bad financial relationship situation much worst or it can shock you into a deep sense of clarifying every single value you have ever had about what’s really important to you.  If you had a savings account that would cover all of your expenses for one year, would you prefer to be with your baby and nurse that child than be anywhere else?

In the La La  alternative universe world where all pregnancies are planned, healthy moms and pregnancies don’t incur staggering costs. We are all insured with no deductibles. We are prepared and ready to handle every emergency.  Under no circumstances would we separate parents from their young children. There are no financial worries for basic necessities.

 I didn’t know how I would manage financially but I knew that I would be unable to leave my baby with someone I didn’t know until that little one was at least a year old and preferably not until they could tell me the whole story about what happened while I was away.

This is not paranoia, or merely because I wanted to breastfeed, it was what I needed for my own peace of mind. Why have a baby that I couldn’t be with and enjoy whenever I wanted to.

 If there is a limitless supply of love, and you were tapped into that and didn’t even know ABOUT the power of that much love until you became a mother, it might change your relationship with money and how much you would need to have. What if all your baby needed was you?

Please tell us your story! Did having a baby change how you felt about money?  Did having enough money influence your decision to nurse your baby? Was money a factor in determining how long you were able to breastfeed your child? What was your path to financial peace?

Who feeds you?  What is your favorite thing to eat?

Making milk is a full-time job. Eating well, feeling satisfied with your belly full makes you look and feel better and coincidently it has everything to do with maintaining your milk supply throughout that first year.  Every day for 365 days a year!

When you take the baby to the pediatrician, they are focused on weight gain, immunizations, and general growth and development.  How the baby is doing is a reflection of you as the mother.  At least, that is what most mothers think.

 When you go to the doctor, they are focused on your weight loss and returning all of your labs and body parts back to normal.  If the baby is not doing well, first thing may be to question the quality and the amount of your milk supply and consider supplements. First question in my mind is how do you look and feel?  Are you eating well, are you getting enough rest?  Supplementing you with better food, more frequent feedings and naps is the secret to a better you and your baby. What are you hungry for?

I had blueberry pancakes for breakfast. They were delicious. I made them myself.  Eggs, flour, buttermilk, warm maple syrup.  I could only eat one, but I savored every bite.  I love to cook and make new things, try new recipes.  For the whole first year, I probably never sat down to for a meal without a baby in my lap or on my breast.  I probably never finished a meal in one sitting. There was something about the smell of food cooking, or even opening the refrigerator to make a sandwich that would cause the baby to wake up, or start to get fussy. My grandmother would say if he’s hungry, you’re hungry.  He knows when you are fixing food, it’s time to eat. Every time you nurse, make it a habit to grab something to eat or drink. Woman does not live by granola bars and yoghurt alone.  In the dairy industry, pregnant cows with newborn calves get premium food including grains and forage but are separated from their calves who might “steel” the best milk.

Make a collection of snacks to keep on hand near the place you are most likely to nurse.  Get a cooler or a pet proof container or snack back pack. Things on hand if you don’t quite make it to the kitchen. Fruit, juice, sandwiches, salads, smoothies, protein shakes or veggies.  Things that are easy to eat with one hand.  Or have your snack first before nursing.  

I was so hungry when nursing my babies. It seemed like I ate a tremendous amount of food but it didn’t seem like I ever got enough to eat.  When I looked in the mirror I felt fat and still pregnant so I would simultaneously talk myself out of eating what I really wanted.  While loving to cook, I was so grateful when folks cooked for me and brought me treats. The baby did not need another onesie, I needed food! Dagnabit! After nursing the little one, who might hold, play, or distract the baby while you make quick work of finishing your meal. If your baby is thin, fretting or not growing well. Ask who indeed is feeding you? How much time are you spending together, eating together, feeling full & satisfied?  Licking your lips with the pleasure of eating. Weaning is the time when the little hand reaches over to sample what is already on your plate to see what is making you smile and hum.

Please tell us your story of who best fed you while you were a nursing mother. Or best yet what was your favorite meal. What do you wish that someone had brought you to eat every day?

Have you ever been so very angry and frustrated with someone that you just stopped speaking to them? It’s one thing if you never have to see them or interact with them on a daily or hourly basis, but what if you are depending on them.  What if it is your lover the person you want most to please and be loved by and they hold you at bay with silence.  As a nursing mother; I felt at once both my most vulnerable and my most powerful!  Now he has the audacity not to speak to me when I was literally the life line to his child.  What a bold audacious and stupid move!  I would not hurt the baby, but I also had to sit with not hurting him for keeping a wall of silence between us.

I thought (or hoped) my milk would of course literally stop flowing and of course the opposite happened.  I nearly drowned the little one with the most milk ever…enough for two babies, sticky sweet milk spraying on the floor, on the bed, just everywhere.  It was like a loose garden hose; with the baby giggling as it was so hard to latch on…  It was one of those times the little one learned to actually stop the flow of milk by pressing his hand on the nipple or just watching it squirt out into the air with such delight…How could I have so much milk when I was crying with red hot fierce angry energy yet totally frozen out of the love loop?

Have you ever had an argument with someone; they made their point, you weren’t really listening and you made your point and they weren’t really listening and some mythical angel whispered in your ear and  told you that there was no communication because they weren’t really talking to you or about you.  

You were just the closest at hand and so the speech was delivered to you.  It was maybe about work, or the light bill, or someone left the water running.  Maybe that speech was for someone else long ago in their past. It may have also been about a worry on their mind that they could for no reason clear at that time could they justify or resolve the issue by sharing it with you. I heard in the lyrics of a new age forgiveness song that someone else may have been the one to cut you, but you were the one that made me bleed.  Yikes, I hate when I do that.

Silence can be golden at the time generally because it buys you time.  It gives you a break and in that moment of pause of grace, perhaps when you are not blinded by injury and rage you can see or hear another voice and perspective.  Wait it out, be willing to listen for signs of life.  You truly have the power to heal and sustain life.  Go to a quiet place. Nurse your baby and search and hold the love forever or as long as you can. Kiss and make up at your first opening when the coast is finally clear.  Love was there all along.

We all know that a silence can go on too long.  Irreparable harm is done and it is the hallmark of the beginning of the end. More often than not though, it is just a test of stamina and commitment and a made-up mind to stay… to hold on and to let the storm that was really not meant to harm you to pass.

Some mothers on the prickly fence about nursing their babies already wracked with fatigue use that moment of disconnect and anger to thrust the baby to the father or to anyone else’s arms and demand that they do “it” instead …since absolutely no one understands who you are and how you feel and there is nothing left to give.  Bone dry, no more milk, no more love!

Please tell us your story of what it felt like not to be spoken to or heard. There are those times when all you wanted to do was talk it out, have him listen and comfort you even if he did not understand.  You would give anything to have him speak a word of recognition, hope and encouragement! Remind you that all is well, or that it would be OK! …Touch me even if you can’t speak to me and have the anger go away. 

Maybe you recall what it was like for you to not speak to someone you once loved and trusted who then betrayed you. What was that like?  My favorite memory is of times I thought someone or even the baby was mad at me for something I did or said and then later learned it had nothing to do with me at all.  

Well, here is the question most people wonder about but never ask… How did you get that baby anyway?  I loved my baby’s father. He loved me. I do think we were destined to have children together. I saw his face clearly in a dream well before I was pregnant.  I later recognized that he was the One.  Sometimes the person you have children by is not the one you love or who is destined to parent with you or to be in your life in other ways or forever.

But for sure I can say that how you love and if you love the baby’s father has so much to do with how you love your baby and how you are able or willing to nurse his child. Think about it! When you look into your baby’s eyes… who do you see, how do you feel?

The experience of nursing your baby is an extension of the love that grew from how that baby was placed in your heart, mind, body and spirit.  Or maybe that was not how it began, it was not so good, not so deliberate, or conscious… just something that happened or shouldn’t have happened. You may not even be able to remember. But it is your decision now to love and be close to your baby. You are feeding and growing the love when you nurse your baby.

When the father of the baby looks at you, what do you think he sees? If the gender of your partner is  the same as yours, it matters not… Is there jealousy, resentment, protection, awe, anxiety, or just more love, and more love finding a way to nurture and express itself? 

You both are not interchangeable parts. This is a chance to complement one another in ways that don’t always feel comfortable to you. You divide and conquer and honor one another and return to each other stronger, wiser, with a lot of trial, error and frustration along the way.  You learn forgiveness, and most of all compassion for yourself and others.

Please tell us your story. Did you love your baby’s father? Did you feel loved without measure or condition? Was the love different after the baby came? How did the love grow in that first year? I don’t live with my children’s father now. He was not to be my life partner for what proves to be a very long life time.  I still love him, I still remember the love that conceived those two children, we both still love them today. He still loves me for the way I was willing and able to love his children.  We named our children for rocks and rivers, seeds planted in what we hoped was fertile soil and that love will grow. All pregnancies are planned and unintended. We had awfully good intentions.

The other day, I made a decision to finally get my toes done. I had already picked out the color and actually even bought some ten dollar nail polish, but I hadn’t made an appointment or blocked out some time to hit my favorite neighborhood nail salon for the super deluxe spa pedicure.

A dear friend from my college years who I mainly connect now with on Facebook was vacationing in Galapagos Islands, and I had casually mentioned I was fascinated by the Blue toed Booby and before I knew it; I was presented with a great photo of those fabulous blue feet.  I was thrilled and I do think it was the catalyst to making the time to get my toes done.

What does this have to do with nursing mothers committed to breastfeed for a long while? Just maybe everything as the attention we pay to details about our own body, needs, wants and desires really does matter.  Who surrounds us these days? Do they notice us? How do you care for and nurture yourself to feel rested and beautiful and willing to go on one more day!  

I have always been interested in birds, and always thought of the rarity of blue in nature.  Of course, the sky is blue, but blue feet, the mating dance and the specialness of it all is intriguing. I like to dream about going to visit those birds one day. I have never seen one live or dancing in their own space.

Other than the baby, what are your passions?  How do you possibly make time for yourself, for feeling beautiful and special and how does your relationship with your spouse grow when you integrate this person in sharing the new love? What do you do or allow time for that makes you feel more attractive and centered in ways that allow you to feel truly present with your baby and your spouse because you made time to spend with yourself?  What do you have in your life that just doing it makes you feel better?

 I love having my feet rubbed, I like them to be soft and adorable and to have them smell like lavender flowers instead of smelly socks. I like soaking my feet especially when I rarely get a bath and shower less than ten minutes to save time and hot water.  It is an indulgence that I wish I scheduled more regularly. 

Palmer Parker a poet I so enjoy writes about the healing benefit of a friend who wasn’t chatty and came by and reached out to him to massage his feet daily during a time of deep depression. We should all be so blessed to have such a friend.

The Gift of Presence, The Perils of Advice

He relished not having anyone to give him advice, but just to be noticed and willing to be present was more than enough.

When was the last time you got your nails done? Please tell us your story about what you do to pamper and nurture yourself.  It may not be in the temple of the nail salon, but you know when you feel better, more beautiful and deeply at peace.

Blue Footed Booby

Open Floor Plans! Stainless Steel Appliances! Sight Lines! Oh My!

“I want to be able to interact with my guests while entertaining my family and friends.” OK, I admit it!  I am an HGTV devotee. I can watch endless hours of House Hunters repeats, remodeling and travel shows.

I don’t know exactly what it is about even thinking about having a baby  that causes folks to want to nest, clean, redecorate, move, get a bigger space, a bigger car, better neighborhood, better schools or have the wall color of the nursery match and complement the gender of the baby.

Yikes, it is scary and can launch fear in the hearts of Mothers everywhere of the risks of not being ready for the baby and what constitutes readiness as in decorating and stuff you need to cart your baby around or to create a safe space for you and your baby and your lover to sleep. Where is the place you can lie down and rest and let your milk flow?

If the lifestyle we have created requires that we separate from our baby to sustain it and enjoy it; have we unintentionally created a space that is exactly the opposite of what we have hoped for?

I so enjoyed lying down, with my baby lying next to me.  I would generally fall asleep. I would prefer to be alone and have it rather quiet, but from time to time I would sing. My son, my first born would let me read, my daughter, my second, would rip the pages of any book, magazine or newspaper especially if it shielded my face from hers.  She required my undivided gaze and attention.

Please share your story. What kind of space were most comfortable nursing your baby?  Is anyone there with you? What are you wearing? Did the space that you imagine turn out to be different from the space you most felt safe and at home?  When you first walk in the door and you need to nurse first thing, where do you go? If your baby is walking, where does that baby lead you for your time out together?